How to Defuse an Angry Outburst from Your Boss

If you’re a conscientious employee, you probably do your best in a job—so when your boss cusses you out or overreacts to a mistake that you made or an action you took, it can come as an unpleasant shock. You may also wonder how to respond in that moment. What can you do there and then to de-escalate the situation, and how might you establish and maintain healthy boundaries moving forward?

4 Tips for De-Escalating the Tension

When a supervisor loses their temper, being on the receiving end of their pent-up stress and anger can be very uncomfortable. It may even trigger a “fight, flight, or freeze” response.

People with untreated trauma issues can be more vulnerable to being triggered this way, but this response can happen to anyone in a stressful situation. It is the body’s automatic defense mechanism in the face of a threat. Your adrenaline kicks in; breathing quickens; muscles tighten, and you begin to sweat.

When you’re experiencing these sensations, it can be easy to react and over-react, by absorbing and reflecting your boss’ emotions in the heat of the moment. Instead, try the following….

Avoid the urge to blurt out an emotional response in the moment. You may be feeling emotions like hurt, fear, anger, and surprise. Keep them in check and don’t interrupt—once voiced, your boss’ anger should run its course faster.

Take responsibility for what you can. If you made a mistake, say so, apologize, and do what you can to correct the mistake. You cannot control and are not responsible for your boss’s overreaction, but by attending to your part in the problem, you are being part of the solution.

Cut your boss some slack. If this is the first time that your boss is losing their temper with you, avoid the temptation to take it personally. Chances are that their overreaction may have little to do with you. If they are dealing with high levels of personal or professional stress and anxiety, their anger may be an extension of that. This does not excuse their behavior but can help you detach from the hurt and anger that you may be experiencing.

Stay focused on solutions. When a boss over-reacts, it can be easy to get distracted by the words they are blurting out in their anger, so that you lose perspective about the real issue at hand. Keep the focus on correcting what may have gone wrong or what needs to be addressed moving forward.

Exercising Healthy, Professional Boundaries

Stress at work can cause anyone to lose their cool or become anxious, but temper tantrums are unprofessional. If your boss cusses you out or takes out their stress on you, that is unprofessional. Some bosses may apologize for their behavior. Others may not.

If an angry outburst is not just a “blip” and happens more than once or begins to form a pattern of abusive interactions, that is both unprofessional and unhealthy. Here are some actions you can take to set clear professional boundaries.

Send an email to your boss. Keep it short and sweet. You can name the unprofessional behavior, let them know you won’t tolerate it again, and your conditions for future private conversations.
Whenever possible, limit your interactions with your boss to group meetings.
When your boss is cussing you out, you can say, “I am not able to have this conversation until we can proceed in a respectful and professional manner. When that’s possible, we can continue the conversation.”

If you continue to be bullied by your boss despite taking healthy measures to protect yourself, it may be time to look for another job. Some bosses never learn to reign in their abusive tendencies because of a power trip, narcissism, or a workplace culture that tolerates the abuse. Your boss may be so well-acclimated to their boss’ temper tantrums that they may not even realize they are engaged in the very same behavior.

Ultimately, no boss is worth sacrificing your health and peace of mind for, especially in a hot job market. Sometimes the clearest, most effective boundary is to say “no,” by walking away once and for all.